We know Valentine’s doesn’t always go as planned… so if your last minute Tinder date falls through (or ends up being a total weirdo), have a read through some of these horror stories and let’s all share a laugh in the name of love and ice cream.
There Are Things Even Tequila Can’t Fix
I went on a date with this one guy and we had each picked a tequila bar to sample for the night. Naturally, he was instantly named señor. We met at bar number one, and it was November so he had a pretty intense moustache. I got through the whole date staring at it only a little bit, until the end of the night when he went to kiss me and I literally burst into laughter because in my head he was “señor with a moustache” and I could not contain my laughter enough to actually kiss him that night. (It did happen when he shaved for the next date, though).
Too Much, Too Soon
So I went on a tinder date with this guy, who was incredibly nice. It was already last minute, I literally just had a latte and was my talkative self. He seemed so nervous; he kept ordering more rum and cokes and he was clearly getting sweatier by the minute. I’m really not that intimidating. He worked in the finance industry and I found I was the one carrying the conversation, which is fine but you’d think the rum and cokes would have helped, right? I dubbed him boring guy. Fast forward to the next date, he texts me spontaneously asking to grab a coffee, I was already in a Starbucks studying so I said he could join. He brought up a Kings of Leon concert because I had one of their songs as my “tinder jam” thing. Soon after, I left Toronto for Christmas vacation and he texted me a photo of the Kings of Leon tickets he bought me for Christmas. I felt so bad and so awkward that someone would do that after just two dates so I texted him back saying I had met someone else. He told me he was upset because he saw a future for us... To this day, I wonder if ever went to see Kings of Leon.
Bring Your Own Toothbrush: A Break Up Story
One day, I wake up after seeing a girl for a few months and she’s ahead of me in the bathroom. So I wait, have a coffee, and get in the bathroom to find my toothbrush freshly used. When I confronted her about it, she said she had been doing it for a while and even thought it was normal and okay. I was shocked and we broke up shortly after. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it would be a lie to say that the toothbrush thing wasn’t a factor.
I Feel Like There’s Something Between Us
Every new year I partake in Veganuary. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, you go vegan for the month of January. Anyway, it was like day four and I was still getting used to the idea (occasionally picking up a dorito, eating it, then staring at my cheesy fingers in horror), and I went on a movie date with a guy that I had only met once before. He showed up late so I had to buy the tickets; he felt bad so he bought a large popcorn. When he was about to pay, I guess he felt extra bad because he also got M&Ms, which he proceeded to dump into the popcorn bag. Three kernels in, my mouth is coated with butter and I remember that I’m supposed to be vegan. We ended up spending the rest of the movie with this huge bag of popcorn awkwardly propped between us — me, salivating, and him wondering what the heck he did wrong. I explained the situation on the way out, he complained about how obnoxious vegans were, and that was the end of that.
The Gatorade Stalker
I met a girl at Carleton when I was like 20 or something and we arranged a Mario Kart date at her place. We played, watched a movie, and began fooling around. When that was said and done, she really wanted me to sleep over but I wasn’t feeling it. Instead, I texted my friend asking them to call me saying there was an emergency, that my friend was puking really badly and I needed to go to the corner store to grab some Gatorade to take back to his place right away. I explained this to her, but she wanted to come with me. I insisted it was okay, but she insisted again, saying she wanted to buy some snacks, so I just said, “I’ve got to go right away. I don’t have time”. So I left and went to hangout with my friend (who was not sick). Later that night, she texted me asking how my friend was feeling; I said he was feeling better thanks to the Gatorade and crackers I’d picked up for him, to which she replies, “I followed you to your friend’s house and I know you didn’t stop to buy Gatorade or crackers”. (Yikes!)
One time I went out with this girl on our second date and she told me we were going to meet a few friends for some pool. When I showed up, her whole family was there and it was an engagement party for her cousin. I proceeded to meet each and every family member before I was like “We’re just friends right?” I took three tequila shots and left forever.
High Five Hit and Run
When I was 15, there was a rumour that my friend, Connor, liked me. We’d been family friends since we were infants, and I received the same kinds of comments about lots of boys I was friends with, so I didn’t think much of it. One Saturday, Connor suggested that we go bowling with a big group of friends, but when I arrived at the alley he said everyone had ‘bailed’. By the time he’d kicked my butt at all 10 rounds, I realized I was on a date I did not want to be on and got incredibly anxious. When it came time to say goodbye, I hastily gave him a high-five and said “See you around, buddy!” before running off. Cut to two years later when he got hired at my store and befriended all of my coworkers… I walked in on Valentine’s Day to every staff member offering me a high-five and calling me buddy! LOL
The Rock Climbing Mansplainer
When I first started using Tinder, I met up with a guy I wasn’t sure I was into, but I was new to online dating and figured I could give him another shot. For our second date, we went rock climbing at the gym he’d been to the week before. He then proceeded to act like a climbing expert, showing me the (wrong) way to tie in and belay—not listening long enough for me to explain that I’d been a climbing instructor’s assistant all summer. As if the mansplaining wasn’t enough, when I was climbing, he made rude critiques about my body shape and weight, even betting that I couldn’t support him because of my ‘lack of muscle’. When it was his turn to climb, I used my skills to make his harness massively uncomfortable — and it worked so well that he insisted I was a terrible climbing partner and that we should leave because he was in too much pain. He insisted that I kiss him goodbye (gross) and was later furious when I didn’t respond to his 7 calls and 13 texts. I was not about to test the third time’s the charm theory with this one.
Glendon Goggles Gone Wrong
Je venais d’emménager au Canada et je ne connaissais qu’une seule personne. Ma copine venait de se mettre en couple avec le chanteur d’un groupe de Rock et m’a invitée à aller les voir jouer dans un bar. J’ai accepté et j’ai fini par causer avec le joueur de guitare du groupe. Il n’était pas très beau à mes yeux, mais en première année à Glendon, le seul fait qu’il faisait partie d’un groupe de musique me suffisait. Quelques jours passent et il m’envoie un message en me demandant si on pouvait se voir. J’accepte. Je lui propose de venir diner chez moi. J’avais tout prévu: j’ai même dit à ma famille de partir de la maison! Je suis allée acheter des fruits de mer, des pâtes, des citrons, etc. J’ai mis quatre heures à ranger ma maison, à me faire la plus belle possible et à préparer le repas. À 19h non seulement n’était-il pas arrivé, mais je n’avais aucune nouvelle. Comme une débile, je lui ai envoyé un message par heure jusqu’à ce qu’à 2h du matin, sans aucune réponse de lui. Enfin, il m’écrit « Salut, désolé j’étais en répétition, ensuite j’ai décidé d’aller courir un peu puis et après mon téléphone s’est éteint et j’ai dû secourir un pote dans la rue ». Énervée, mais déterminée, j’ai insisté qu’il vienne quand même. Il est arrivé à 3h du matin, et nous avons décidé d’aller faire une ballade en voiture. 20 minutes plus tard il se gare au beau milieu de nulle part et se lance sur moi, son corps en entier, et je me retrouve à plus pouvoir respirer, étouffée par une barbe trop longue et à texture poils pubiens. Au bout d’un moment, je me suis dit bon, on a stoppé net et il m’a ramené chez moi.
LESSON LEARNED : know your worth ladies! Plus jamais j’attendrai un mec plus de 20 minutes!
Over the summer, I dated an actual sociopath. One night, we went to Crews with our two friends (who were both gay men — we were trying to set them up). The beginning of the night began with my now-ex and his best friend buying matching rollerblades and rollerblading down Bay St. all the way to, basically, harbourfront — oh, did I mention they were only wearing underwear and knee-high socks?! My best friend and I were left holding all of their stuff (read: clothes) and following behind them, starving because we had postponed dinner for hours for this little escapade.
Fast forward to around midnight, we roll into Crews and Tangos. My ex, who somehow had never grasped the concept of faithfulness or loyalty or subtlety, literally chased around and drooled after this one girl in the club — all the while telling me that he wouldn’t “do anything” because he “valued our relationship”. He and I spent the whole night screaming at each other in the middle of the club; I, for obvious reasons, and he, because I was supposedly “ruining his night for him” and “spoiling his fun” (he was literally trying to convince me to leave). As we were fighting, a very large and burly gay man began to hit on my ex. My ex explained to him that he was straight. The man turned to me, as my ex left in search for that girl once again, and said, “He can’t be straight, right?” I said, “No, he’s just playing hard to get. You should go harder.” I watched the guy chase down my ex and I left them together.
P.S. The girl he was after turned out to be a lesbian, so either way the joke was going to be on him.